Untangling Guilt, Shame, and People Pleasing
A friend asks you to meet for coffee and you politely decline. But your no does not travel alone, a caravan of emotions, thoughts, and interrogating questions ride closely behind. Am I being selfish? Am I a bad friend? Am I a bad person for wanting to watch TV more than meeting with a beloved friend? You notice that sinking feeling in your belly, again.
If you experience a variation of this scenario, you are not alone. Many struggle with the tangled web of guilt, shame, and people pleasing. Understanding these elemental components of emotion and behavior can help build your capacity to tolerate the unpleasantness and choose behaviors to enhance your wellbeing, not inhibit.
Guilt v. Shame
Shame researcher, Dr. Brené Brown, offers a simple differentiation between shame and guilt:
Guilt is: I did something bad
Shame is: I am bad
This distinction recognizes guilt as an assessment of our behavior and shame as an assessment of our character, which reveals why guilt is considered adaptive, and shame maladaptive, to psychological wellbeing. When we experience guilt, we are critiquing a quality of ourselves–behavior–that is fluid. But when we experience shame, we are critiquing our intrinsic nature. Guilt nudges us to correct a mistake we made, then move on, whereas shame catalyzes self-criticism and contributes to depression, low self-esteem, and psychological distress.
Guilt v. People Pleasing
Guilt arises when we act in a way that is not in alignment with our values, such as valuing honesty while telling a lie. Sometimes, though, we experience what feels like guilt when we act in alignment with our own values but in opposition to outside values–-from another person, culture, or family. For example, you tell your parents you will no longer attend church with them after recognizing you do not align with their church’s convictions. In these situations, psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy explains that “what we feel as guilt is, truly, someone else’s disappointment.” She advocates for using the term growing pains instead of guilt to more accurately label the emotional phenomena we experience in these situations.
Strategies and Practices
Working through guilt and shame can feel confusing. Below are some suggestions to help untangle the confusion and help you move in a direction of alignment.
Practice self-validation with emotions. Recognize you are having an emotional experience and, if possible, label the emotion. Then, give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Every emotion is allowed to be present, you can’t help emotions from arising, anyway. All emotions will eventually dissipate, resisting or attaching to the emotion will only prolong your emotional experience.
If you are experiencing guilt, practice self-validation with guilt. Notice if the guilt is in response to acting out of alignment with your own values or someone else’s values.
If guilt is a result of acting out of alignment with personal values, identify a corrective behavior, then complete the corrective action. For example, I have guilt from telling a white lie, so I will tell my partner the full truth.
If guilt is a result of acting in alignment with personal values but out of alignment with someone else’s values, label your experience as growing pains. Remind yourself that the other person’s emotions that arise in response to your boundary are their responsibility, not yours. Maintain the boundary you set. This work may feel difficult in the short-term but will pay off in the long-term.
If you are experiencing shame, practice self-validation with shame. Notice self-critical thoughts and remind yourself there is nothing wrong about you as a person. Everyone is worthy and good at their core. Then, identify a behavior that is contributing to the shame to move from shame to guilt. Complete the corrective action.
Sources
https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/
https://goodinside.com/podcast/3215/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/
https://scientificamerican.com/article/the-scientific-underpinnings-and-impacts-of-shame/
