How to Find Relief from Distressing Thoughts

We tell stories in our minds all day long. We create stories about why things happened to us or will happen to us or won’t happen to us or why we’re bad or why we’re worthless or why we’re lazy or why we’re incapable… it’s almost never ending. This storytelling is so automatic, we often don’t even realize it’s happening. It’s as involuntary as breathing. All of this thinking is fine as long as we are aware our thoughts are not reality, butttt that’s where we get into trouble. We so often believe our mental stories without question. When we believe our stories, we are rejecting reality. And when we reject reality, we create suffering. So, how do we untangle our stories about reality from reality itself? By questioning our thoughts. A simple and effective framework for questioning our thoughts from Byron Katie is the perfect starting point.

Katie spent years paralyzed by mental illness before turning into an author and spiritual teacher. Her transformation was catalyzed by questioning her distressing thoughts, a practice she calls The Work. The Work comes from the understanding that suffering happens when we reject reality, and freedom from suffering happens when we accept reality. As Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.” Katie helps others by posing four simple questions that untangle the messy web of our stories. Let’s practice.

How to Question Distressing Thoughts

More information on Katie’s questioning process, that she calls The Work, can be found in her books: Loving What Is and A Mind at Home with Itself.

Step 1: Identify a distressing thought

Katie suggests starting with a distressing thought you have about someone else instead of a distressing thought about one’s self. She notes that doing The Work with thoughts about ourselves is important but tends to be more difficult.

Step 2: Ask the “four questions” of The Work

Question 1: Is this thought true?

Question 2: Can I be absolutely certain that this is true?

Question 3: (Even if your answer is yes to Questions 1 and 2) How do I react when I have this thought?

Question 4: Who would I be without this thought?

When answering these questions, try to pause, reflect on the situation in your mind’s eye, and let the answer arise naturally to meet the question.

Step 3: Turnaround the thought and look for evidence that supports the turnaround

Find the “turnarounds” for the distressing thoughts. The turnaround is found by creating the opposite of the statement and replacing the other person’s name with “I.” For example, the thought, “He shouldn’t be so angry,” would have the turnarounds: “He should be so angry” and “I shouldn’t be so angry.” When the thought is about yourself, replace “I” with “my thinking.” Then, reflect on how these turnarounds could be true.

After doing The Work for a while, we can begin to see that our distress isn’t a bad thing. Distress is actually the warning sign that we have wandered off course from reality. And, therefore, is an invitation to freedom. All those terrible stories we tell ourselves about how things should be different are the beginnings of paths back to ourselves.. as long as we take a little time to question.

References:

Katie, B. 2017. A Mind at Home with Itself.

Katie. B. 2003. Loving What Is.