Practices for Accessing Self-Compassion
We are all capable of acting self-compassionately, but self-compassion isn’t second nature for many of us. We jump to comfort loved ones experiencing struggle or disappointment, but then turn around and criticize ourselves. In the same circumstance we shower grace and soothing onto a friend, we verbally abuse ourselves for our “shortcomings” and mistakes. This tendency might not be our fault, but it’s our responsibility to fix it. While we didn’t ask to be raised in systems, schools, or families that perpetuated inaccurate beliefs about the necessity of self-criticalness, we have the responsibility to develop a more loving relationship with ourselves if we want peace and freedom. The experience of learning self-compassion is similar to the experience of learning a new language or working out. Consistency and patience is key. Each attempt moves you in the direction of forming new neural pathways. Here are some tips and exercises for practicing self-compassion.
Tips for completing self-compassion exercises:
1. Make it believable
You probably won’t benefit from telling yourself something unbelievable, even if it’s the world’s most compassionate statement. For example, telling yourself, I’m beautiful when you feel wholly disgusted with yourself will probably be experienced as annoying at best. Instead, make your words believable. For example, I want to work on seeing myself as beautiful one day or I want to feel less disgusted with myself, even if I don’t know how, are much more effective than a canned statement, like I’m beautiful.
2. Little by little
All change happens little bit by little bit. Just focus on the next small step in the direction of building self-compassion. That could mean completing one self-compassion exercise a week, writing down self-critical thoughts as they arise, or swapping one unenjoyable activity each week with a joyful one. Then, slowly build up. Complete two self-compassion exercises a week, write down and challenge self-critical thoughts as they arise, or swap two unenjoyable activities a week for joyful ones.
3. Allow resistance to self-compassion with open arms
The true healing and learning of self-compassion takes place when we are aware of the ways we fail to practice self-compassion. These “failures” are the keys to success. Notice the thoughts that get in the way. For example: This will never work; I’m just not someone who is capable of being self-compassionate; I can’t be self-compassionate because that means I will not be holding myself accountable. Notice the thoughts. Write them down. Then, find three reasons why the opposite of the thought is true. Turnarounds: This will work; I am someone who is capable of being self-compassionate; I can be self-compassionate because that means I will be holding myself accountable.
Exercise #1
Imagine 2-3 people, real or imaginary, dead or alive, who only have your best interests in mind and are unconditionally loving toward you. Visualize them all sitting at a table. Also, imagine the part of yourself who only has your best interests in mind and is unconditionally loving toward yourself at the table. Now, your self-critical part walks into the room. Everyone at the table welcomes this part with open arms. What comforting or soothing things would they say or do for this part? Play out the back and forth interaction between the self-critical part and this unconditionally loving group.
Exercise #2
Write down the qualities of a totally and unconditionally loving person. Then, identify a situation, thought, or emotion you are struggling with. Imagine sharing this struggle with a person who embodies those qualities you listed for a totally and unconditionally loving person. What would someone who is totally and unconditionally loving say in response to your difficulties?
