Resolving Inner Conflict from a Parts Perspective
We are a collection of parts, often opposing parts. Our seemingly opposing parts might sound something like: A part of me wants to cut them out of my life, and a part of me wants to work on the relationship. A part of me misses home, and a part of me is relieved to be gone. A part of me wants to stop binge eating, and a part of me loves the escape of a binge. A part of me thinks I am settling, and a part of me thinks there is no one better. How can this be? How can two opposite desires both be true at the same time? This can be answered from a neuroanatomical and psychological perspective, which can help us learn how to relate to and resolve internal conflicts and incongruencies.
Our brain consists of four distinct neuroanatomical regions. Our left thinking brain, left emotional brain, right thinking brain, and right emotional brain. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Harvard anatomist and author of Whole Brain Living, describes each of these regions to have their own “personalities,” in the sense that each is wired for a different function. Our left emotional brain, for example, processes emotions and safety by comparing our current moment to past experiences. Our right emotional brain, conversely, processes emotions and safety through its connection with the present moment (1). Further evidence supporting these differing “personalities” of the brain come from “split-brain” case studies. These case studies focused on patients who had their corpus callosum cut due to severe epilepsy, therefore severing the connection between right brain and left brain. Strange occurrences surfaced in these patients, like pulling pants down with one hand and up with the other or trying to hit someone with one hand while shielding the person with the other, showing explicit motivational differences in the brain (2).
While our brain’s structures create opposing desires, we also develop opposing desires psychologically. David Schwartz, creator of the Internal Family Systems approach, explains that we develop patterned behavior in response to life experiences. He calls these patterns our parts, noting that the main goal of our parts is to keep us safe (3). For example, if a child grew up with emotionally dismissive parents, the child would likely develop a part that learned not to share emotions to protect against parental rejection. While our parts have done an exceptional job at helping us through difficult circumstances in the past, these learned parts often cause dysfunction in new contexts as adults, when we no longer need psychological defenses to keep us safe. Continuing with the example, once this child becomes an adult and enters into a loving relationship, they may find a part of them that desires deep emotional intimacy while the emotionally repressive part that developed in childhood wholly rejects the idea of emotional vulnerability.
This understanding that our brain’s structure and learned circuitry can produce opposing desires within us can help us find resolution and peace in the midst of seemingly unresolvable internal conflict. Here are some strategies you can use when experiencing internal conflict:
Label each as a part
Simply say to yourself, “There is a part of me that…”
This is the practice of cognitive defusion. Cognitive defusion (think, de-fuse) helps us recognize we are not the thoughts, emotions, and parts but the one who is experiencing these phenomena (4).
Acknowledge the dialectic
Change the but to an and
Ex. I want to see my friend, but I get anxious in public —> I want to see my friend, and I get really anxious in public
Dialectics is a concept used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy that acknowledges two seemingly opposing things can be true at once. This simple rephrase can alleviate suffering by helping us step away from the internal battle and, instead, practice acceptance and allowing (5).
Give compassion to all parts
Say to your parts, “I am listening; you all can have space in me to be here and be heard”
We established that all parts of us developed to protect ourselves. Therefore, we have no bad parts, only out-of-date parts operating as if they are in old environments. Give the parts space to be heard and ask them, “What do you want me to know?” and simply listen with compassion.
If interested in diving deeper into parts work, schedule a session with one of our parts-oriented therapists. They can help guide you on the journey of learning more about your parts, how to become the leader of your parts, and, therefore, how to experience increased empowerment, peace, and satisfaction in your life.
References:
Taylor, J. B. (2021). Whole Brain Living: The anatomy of choice and the four characters that drive our life.
https://www.nytimes.com/1973/09/09/archives/we-are-leftbrained-or-rightbrained-two-astonishingly-different.html
Schwartz, R.C. (2020) No bad parts.
https://www.sydney.edu.au/content/dam/students/documents/counselling-and-mental-health-support/cognitive-defusion.pdf
https://psychotherapyacademy.org/section/what-is-the-meaning-of-dialectics-in-dbt/
