When it’s Time for a Change, Accept Failure
Change is essential to personal growth. But research on change shows we often find ourselves stuck in the stage between knowing the change we must make and acting on that change (1). Stuckness is agonizing. Just think of the last time you knew you must do something but kept putting it off. How did that feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually? It’s a drain to all levels of our being. That’s why shortening the time between knowing the change we must make and making a change is essential to our wellbeing and growth. But to allow ourselves to get real with actually changing, we must rethink how we see failure and progress.
Failure isn’t a monster lingering in the darkness ready to catch you. Failure is, instead, a stepping stone in the direction of where you are meant to go. Our issue with failing isn’t the failure itself but the erroneous beliefs we have learned about failing. To begin to unearth your personal beliefs about failure, consider the answers to these questions: What’s so scary about failing? If I fail, what does that say about me?
Many of us see failing as a personal deficit, a confirmation of our own not-enoughness. But heaps of evidence around us suggest that failing is not a sign of unworthiness, defectiveness, or the end of a road. Instead, failing is a sign of courage, perseverance, and a step closer to success. For example, according to his records, Thomas Edison failed 2,774 times before creating a successful version of the electric lightbulb (2). More commonly, we can relate to the experience of a “failed” romantic relationship giving us the exact learning we needed in successfully creating our next romantic relationship.
The best way to reset an old, unhelpful pattern is doing and thinking differently. Here are some tips to help you move through change more effectively and rewire old, unhelpful patterns:
When you think you’ve fallen short, move into a growth mindset using the affirmation “not yet”
Research has found that our ability to overcome difficult problems is highly dependent on how we view setbacks and challenges (3). Researcher Carol Dweck proposes the idea of a “growth mindset,” where we do not see failing as a finality but another opportunity. She found that the words “not yet” give us greater confidence and persistence when facing a difficulty or falling short of where we’d like to be (4).
When making a change, start small
Identify the first step in making a change, then identify the first step of that first step. Keep breaking down the steps until you’ve arrived at an action so achievable and realistic, you’re confident you can complete it. This practice builds motivation and momentum (5).
Pan for gold in failing
Setting a goal and not achieving that goal is not a failure. Each aim and miss produces useful learning that gets you closer to your goal, but you must look for the takeaways. Ask yourself these questions after setting a goal and missing: What barriers got in my way? How can I problem-solve these barriers for next time?
Failure is actually a gift, correcting our course toward the direction we are meant to go. Fail often and freely, and you will find something beautiful is waiting for you on the other side.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556005/
https://www.vedantu.com/blog/how-many-times-edison-failed-to-invent-bulb
https://www.ted.com/talks/angela_lee_duckworth_grit_the_power_of_passion_and_perseverance?language=en
https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202301/how-small-steps-lead-to-big-lifestyle-changes#:~:text=A%20small%2Dsteps%20approach%20allows,goal%20up%20into%20small%20steps.
